The Rules
by Bushy Squirrel
Summary: The people of Atlantis are really getting tired of new people getting themselves killed over stupid things... 'Rules of Atlantis' rewrite. Takes place in seasons 2 and 3, pre-Sunday. Rated T for language.
1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:** _Rules of Atlantis_ is one of my more popular stories, according to the numbers, so I think it deserves a rewrite. It's six years old and is, compared to how well I write now, kinda terribly written. I'll be fixing the format, grammar, rewriting some content, adding some content, and probably getting rid of some content as well.

You all seemed to like _Spam_, which is the other Stargate rewrite I did, so I am hoping this will get a similar response.

Enjoy!

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_Like everyone else in the Stargate Program, the people of Atlantis had a rather strange sense of humor. Visitors would claim it was because their brains were addled from being in life-or-death situations so often. Veterans of the Program would boast about how impressed they were that the Lantians weren't being carted off in straight jackets by the truck load. Whatever the comments, whatever the reasons, a new person's first taste of Lantian humor was plastered all over the side wall of the Gate room on sheets of paper and post-it notes._

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**Never have the first thing you say here be 'This place isn't so bad.' You'll only regret it later**

A: Colonel Sheppard would like to remind the original members not to talk about Colonel Sumner to the newbies.

B: Dr. McKay requests that newbies ask a scientist the statistics of Murphy's Law here in Pegasus before doing _anything_.

**Do not ask someone what a Wraith looks like. You will find out soon enough. If you just cannot wait, ask Dr. Beckett for his video data on Michael. (This is not suggested, for your safety)**

A: Teyla insists that Dr. Beckett will never harm you, and that Sheppard and McKay are just acting immature.

**Three weeks of boot camp are **_**required**_**. This will teach you how not to get killed. Don't skip it.**

A: Colonel Sheppard would like to note that Marines will be punished for missing sessions without a formal excuse from someone on the Senior Staff. He would also like to note that civilians will only go through basic gun training unless they plan on volunteering for our regular off-world trips to allied planets.

**Remember. Here, **_**we**_ **are the aliens.**

A: Dr. McKay would like to say that, for your own safety, never ask the natives crude questions. Ronon might not beat you out of respect for Sheppard, but Teyla has no such hesitation.

**All gossip from SGC is null and void here in Atlantis, as both SGC and Atlantis are in a never ending contest.**

A: Colonel Sheppard wants to warn any former/current staff from the SGC that they will be the product of many pranks during their first couple months here.

B: Dr. McKay promises to post a list of taboo topics in the infirmary during his next visit there.

C: Teyla would like to inform the new staff that many people compare AR-1 and SG-1 a lot. It would be wise for you not to.

**Remember. You are on a planet that is more than 90 percent covered in water. If you can't swim, get lessons. And quick.**

A: Ronon says that Dr. Beckett has been planning swimming lessons. Go ask him.

**Atlantis' (unofficial) motto is "Yeah, the world sucks. But if it didn't, we'd all fall off."**

A: Colonel Sheppard wants everyone to learn this and love it.

**Yes. We do realize that some of you might accidentally activate something. If you do, report the incident to Dr. McKay or Dr. Zelenka.**

A: Colonel Sheppard begs you to do this. He is exhausted of being used as the choice guinea pig for the Science Department.

B: Dr. McKay also asks you to do this. He is certain that if another scientist (besides himself or Dr. Zelenka) asks Sheppard to activate something for them, they will get harmed. He would rather not do the paperwork.

**Just because someone on the Senior Staff does it, doesn't mean you should. THEY can get away with it. You can't.**

A: Colonel Sheppard wants you to remember that this includes things like volunteering for suicidal missions, eating something unknown, injecting yourself with a bottle full of Wraith enzyme, and yelling at McKay's little band of scientists. Dr. Weir does not like it when anyone on the Senior Staff does these things because they are the ones that the command goes to if anything happens to her.

B: Teyla notes that Colonel Sheppard's last sentence scares Dr. Weir greatly, even if she trusts Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay, and Dr. Beckett with her life.

C: Dr. McKay warns EVERYONE (including all the original expedition members) that the next person to yell at any of his scientists, or makes any of them cry, will wish that Ronon thought they were Wraith instead of what he'll be doing to them.

**Do not flirt with the locals (aka the Athosians).**

A: Colonel Sheppard says that if Dr. Weir doesn't yell at you for doing this, he will. Only he won't be vocal.

B: Ronon notes that Colonel Sheppard will have to get in line after him, of course.

C: Teyla would like to warn that the men of AR-1 don't care if they get kicked off of Atlantis. Her people have become like family to them and they will act according to their own thoughts on how to deal with you.


	2. General Nonsense

**Author's Note: **New chapter! As I stated in the last chapter, most of the edits are slight formatting, grammar, and content changes to make things more fluid. The BIG edits will be in a couple chapters.

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**Just like Murphy's Law, irony loves the Pegasus Galaxy. Learn to ignore it.**

A: Major Lorne says unless it's funny.

B: Dr. Zelenka requests that if it's in the labs, please tell himself or Dr. McKay.

**Never try to escape from the infirmary. Not even Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay get away with that.**

A: Colonel Sheppard would like to note that he does get away with it, sometimes.

B: Dr. McKay complains that Colonel Sheppard is the one who talks him into escaping.

C: Dr. Beckett sternly says that any and all people who try to stop him from doing his job will be at the business end of his largest needle. This is not a threat, but a promise.

**Never make pop culture references around the natives.**

A: Dr. Weir sadly admits that only Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay can manage to do this without causing a war.

B: Colonel Sheppard insists that this is because he and Dr. McKay only do this around Teyla and Ronon.

C: Dr. McKay says "Only around Xena and Conon", as they are called.

**Don't call Colonel Sheppard Kirk. You'll be in big trouble if you do.**

A: Dr. McKay says that this is Colonel Sheppard's nickname that only Colonel Sheppard's team is allowed to use (regardless of the fact that he, Dr. McKay, is the only one on the team to use it).

B: Colonel Sheppard warns that Dr. McKay only gets away with it because he can save everyone's asses at the last possible moment. Everyone else will get punished at his own discretion.

**Calling Dr. Beckett a mother hen to his face is hazardous to your health.**

A: Dr. Beckett politely says that if he finds out who does this, they will find a new meaning for pain at their next physical.

B: Dr. McKay warns that Dr. Beckett will follow through with his threat. And legally, so he won't get in trouble.

C: Colonel Sheppard would like to note that he is only called this when dealing with Dr. Weir and AR-1.

**Jumper 1 is Colonel Sheppard's. Jumper 2 is Dr. McKay's. Jumper 3 is Major Lorne's. It is in your best interest to remember this.**

A: Colonel Sheppard warns that if ANYONE messes around with Aurora without his permission, they will pay by sparring with Ronon daily for a month.

B: Dr. McKay insists that if Pi is used without his direct blessings, they will loose hot water for two months.

C: Major Lorne threatens anyone who touches Miracle without his consent with a two week stay in the brig.

D: Dr. Weir would like to note that she will turn a blind eye to these dealings. You all have been properly warned.

**Unless you know full well that you can, do not try to out-smart any of the scientists.**

A: Colonel Sheppard admits that between the scientists and the marines, it is better to be on the bad side of the marines.

B: Dr. Beckett would like to announce that anyone who does not follow this will not be given pity when they are brought to the infirmary.

**Don't ask Dr. Weir why she's always wearing a red shirt. It's a topic you don't want to start talking about.**

A: Colonel Sheppard yells run, run while you still can!

B: Teyla insists that Colonel Sheppard is just immature, but you still shouldn't ask about the shirts.

**If you get black mail on any of the Senior Staff, use it wisely. They're the ones who control whether or not you stay on Atlantis.**

A: Dr. Weir strictly warns that use of black mail will result in immediate return to earth.

B: Colonel Sheppard announces that use of black mail will result in a stay in the brig before return to earth.

C: Dr. McKay would like to say that use of black mail will result in loss of heating while in the brig before return to earth.

D: Dr. Beckett threatens that use of black mail will result in no medical care (except in an emergency) if anything is caused by the loss of heat while in the brig before return to earth.

**Be careful what you do around any of the women of Atlantis. They share gossip during Girl's Poker Night every week.**

A: Dr. Weir happily assures you that this doesn't happen.

B: Dr. McKay insists that this does happen and that they should stop calling him to make repairs if they don't want the men to know about it.

C: Lt. Cadman claims that they call Dr. McKay in for repairs to their Poker Room because it's just so fun to embarrass the man.


End file.
